This time of year, I can remember the lead up so well; every little detail, even the seconds before my fall. The rest is a blank.
I have a picture in my mind of a story where I have filled in the missing details, these snippets are the closest form of any memory I will have.
They say your body protects you from the trauma so that you will never relive it. I want to believe these memories, but deep down it’s a part of me that will always be missing.
I’ve come to terms with it, the understanding, the acceptance of filling in the void because deep down I know that there must have been a reason for all of this.
6 years… how did we get here?! Would I change certain aspects of how this time has unfolded… of course, however, I honestly can say, hand on heart, as tough as the pain was in the aftermath of the accident (I know some people found it difficult to accept the ‘new’ me!) the journey has been one MILLION percent worth it. I am proud of how I coped & travelled this incredibly bumpy path.
The only people who will truly understand, are those that have been on this path with me. They have seen who I was, what I was and how far I’ve come.
I have made many friends along the way and they have given me so much love, it’s fills me with so much gratitude. The Ones that don’t knock me down and are always there when I am at my lowest to help pick me back up. I literally could NOT have done this without them.
One very precious gift came into my life and has made me into a completely different new me that I was not expecting.
My soul purpose of speaking openly and helping others was that I was in a place where I felt I had no idea of who or what I was.
In a world that I felt lost and alone.
The charities that helped me gave me a new lease of life, a new beginning, one that meant I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t making this up and I wasn’t having to justify what I was dealing with, they trusted & believed in me. I was accepted & started to learn all over again who I was and how I could climb this huge mountain in front of me that seemed never ending.
I wanted to show others it was ok to feel a certain way, how to turn the negatives into a positive and seeing how you can learn to love who you have become, however much you miss the old life you had.
I’d like to believe that I have in some way helped others, that their journey wasn’t as difficult as it could have been without the right support.
This journey has led me to become who I am now.
I am a mum, raising a beautiful baby boy & I honestly thought that I wouldn’t get to experience that, I never thought I’d be accepted with the ‘new me’.
Bringing up a child & coping with a brain injury bought its challenges, but my focus is now on a little man that lights up when he’s sees my face, he needs me, he needs me to be there for him.
I’d like to think he’s helped shape me into a better person.
My TBI is still very much in control of everything I do and I’m aware of that, I still have my moments where my memory doesn’t want to work, or that my fatigue affects how my body works (on top of a little one who needs all of me) the highs and the lows, the less said about that the better…
However, during these six years I’ve come such a long way and I’m so proud of where I am today.
I get to hold my boy, he smiles at me & wraps his little hand around my finger, I know this is for today and every day, our whole lives together. So that’s why today isn’t about focusing on how I am missing a part of me or feeling that I am an empty shell, the future is ‘us’ our family.
It’s also how I can still help those in need with my new little adventure (which will be coming soon) and how I can be positive to show my little man you can keep fighting however hard you’ve had it, there’s an inner strength that will keep you going long until you realise that there is nothing left to give as you have more than you’ll ever know.
Life is all about lessons and it’s how you handle yourself through those times.
I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy because my god there are no words to explain how hard it has been.
Remember to use your support systems, lean on those close by, let them in, use their shoulder to cry on, let those walls down even though you feel like you are in an ‘unfamiliar territory’ & in a closed bubble with time moving by, they want to help!
Just always have courage, do what’s right for you.
Right now, I’m going to use this day as a reminder of how far I’ve come, I’m proud of my myself and I’ll never let anyone say anything different.
My fight is always to help those who are entering this new world of a TBI & show them that anything is possible, however long it takes xx